Don't talk to me for 3 days!

The only thing to console me in this time of suffering & pain is Maxine. Since I am in such a bitter mood I have added several things to my hate list and yes I don't care if anyone gets mad at me for putting Maxi Pad back up there, I can't stand him!!!!

What in the crap is wrong with BYU??? Maybe its because there aren't enough niggers on the team to get the job done or maybe its because LaNell decided not to go to the temple yesterday (according to her, the Cougars win because she goes to the temple on game day.) Whatever the reason is, I thought I was going to cry when the Cougars broke their 15 game winning streak. It wouldn't be so bad if the polls weren't going to drop them 12 notches for losing one game like they will undoubtedly do, so now they have to work their way back up.

When I lived with LaNell, she used to ask me to not come home until after she went to bed if BYU had lost a game because I was too cranky. I find that hilarious because if I was still cranky the next day about a game sometimes that "next day" would turn into several days before I talked to her (it must have been a nice break for your ears LaNell.)

On a happier note, I get to go to Utah at the end of February to see the Cougars play. If they don't win, at least I will be able to take matters into my own hands with some good old fashioned brutality (thats right, I am going to bring a bat & some brass knuckles with me.)

This One Is Going Out to Kaylee

I realized that I just posted yesterday but some things are just too good to pass up!

I decided to spend some time with Kaylee since she is one of the few people that I can hang out with that has a vagina. At first I was rather upset about talking to her because she told me that she doesn't read my blog because I write too much. My response is this: maybe I will start doing what you do on your blog and take naked pictures of myself while I'm cooking at a kitchenette.

Luckily the night grew to be a little more amusing as we started talking about sports. Unlike her brothers Kaylee would mistake Shaquille O'Neil for Big Bird. So we were talking about making out with black men, Kaylee seemed to have a dissatisfaction for the Negros so I felt personally responsible for educating her. I asked her if she thought Lebron James was hot and her reply was, who is that? It just kept going down hill as she guessed who that was. Answers ranged from a baseball player to a well known pimp. Needless to say I was thoroughly amused. Once I told her who LeBron James was she insisted on telling me that she had sports knowledge as she asked me where the Cavaliers played at. This is what she said, " I know that Michael Jackson used to play for the Bulls." Way to go Kaylee, I almost went into cardiac arrest.

I did later find out that Kaylee has extensive knowledge about turtles poop eating habits.

I love you Kaylee.

Who Loves Bacon?

Unfortunately I never got to finish my Christmas blog but there is only one thing that I forgot to write about that I thought was worth mentioning and no it isn't the fact that I found out I'm a mediocre nertz player and that Sam Hancock can slaughter me (Sam I hate you almost enough to put you on my hate list for that.) Unfortunately I'm too stupid to figure out how to access pictures on the Hancock's computer from my camera onto the blog. Anyway, the next time you are in my vehicle you will notice that there is a bacon scented car deodorizer hanging from my rear view mirror. The question isn't who gave you this Mikila, the question is what the crap is it supposed to mean???? The reasons why I would receive such a wonderful gift could include:

1. The giver of the gift thinks that I consume bacon morning, noon and night; its nice to be reminded when I am driving that I can't live without bacon.

2. When people are driving by me they will understand why I look like a pork product myself.

3. So people will be aware of how swine flu got started.

Needless to say it was the funniest gift I got this year seeing that I'm really not that big of a bacon fan the person who gave it to me is. Maybe they just wanted to see it every time they get into my car.

I just want to make a point of saying that I am taking way too much abuse about Jimmer getting mono. If he can't take things like a big boy and go on a kissing rampage then why don't I send him some kleenex and pampers.

I've decided to close by sharing a work story. I usually don't give massages to crazy people but the other day happened to be special. A woman had come in for a massage, I have to say that when I saw here I was wondering if she was even going to pay for it? I know, what a judgemental jerk I am but I DON'T CARE. She was in a moomoo that was full of holes. She acted like she had barely survived the Vietnam War with the aid of strong narcotics. I did try to give her the benefit of the doubt but it just went down hill from there. She had never had a massage before and so I carefully explained to her the process. I left the room, gave her several minutes to get undressed and get under the sheets on the table. When I knocked on the door she didn't answer but instead opened the door completely naked. That particular room happens to open into the main hall. Luckily no one was there except me. She asks me if I have a step ladder because she couldn't get up on the table. Good thing that I don't get embarrassed that easily because I ended up having to help her onto the table. She wanted to talk but then would stop in mid sentence like she was blacking out. She is probably in her mid 50's but she was very interested where I party at, she wanted to check the "hot spots" out herself. When it was time for her to get dressed I left the room but had to come back in 3 times because she kept falling asleep and didn't even know where she was the 3rd time I woke her up. LOONEY TUNES!!!! Later on I found out from one of the esthiticians that the last time she had come she asked for a Brazilian wax so that she could meet up in a hotel with her ex boyfriend that just recently got out of jail. Isn't that special!

Crim-a-nitly

I guess its late but I will say it anyway, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. What is it about Christmas that I love so much. Is it demanding that I need to take all of my stuff home when I am living out of state so that LaNell is forced to keep her stuff home (that is her version, not mine!) Finding some mistletoe & some innocent bi standard to smother to death (I can't remember his name unfortunately.) Or the fact that people come home to visit and I actually have friends for a change (don't take that personally Michael, you can't be entertaining all of the time!) Anyway I had a lovely Christmas.
Several weeks ago I was able to attend what I would think the most entertaining wedding reception would be like. Becca and Kyle are so cute aren't they?! Kyle mentioned to me that he would love to be mentioned in my blog and so as a part of their wedding present I have decided to post them up here. I enjoyed the carnival themed reception. It had everything from funnel cakes to games galore. The only thing that I was upset about was the missing clown? What the crap is up with that??? I know that they scare you Becca but the way to defeat a clown is to take away their plastic nose and tell them that they aren't being navigated by the spirit anymore. I enjoyed myself, thanks for making it entertaining.

This last item of business is rather an awkward situation but has to be done. I am officially breaking up with Jimmer Fredette. I have moved on to bigger, better and blacker things like Brandon Davies. I appreciate you scoring a record high 49 points against Arizona for me but its just not enough! I'm sorry to do this publicly on my blog Jimmer but I just couldn't handle the begging, pleading and tears that would surely happen if I told you one on one. I think we had a good run of it and so I'm kindly asking you to not give Brandon a bad time, please pass the ball to him!!! On a good note, I finally have a fine negro to look at that is on the team.