Don't talk to me for 3 days!

The only thing to console me in this time of suffering & pain is Maxine. Since I am in such a bitter mood I have added several things to my hate list and yes I don't care if anyone gets mad at me for putting Maxi Pad back up there, I can't stand him!!!!

What in the crap is wrong with BYU??? Maybe its because there aren't enough niggers on the team to get the job done or maybe its because LaNell decided not to go to the temple yesterday (according to her, the Cougars win because she goes to the temple on game day.) Whatever the reason is, I thought I was going to cry when the Cougars broke their 15 game winning streak. It wouldn't be so bad if the polls weren't going to drop them 12 notches for losing one game like they will undoubtedly do, so now they have to work their way back up.

When I lived with LaNell, she used to ask me to not come home until after she went to bed if BYU had lost a game because I was too cranky. I find that hilarious because if I was still cranky the next day about a game sometimes that "next day" would turn into several days before I talked to her (it must have been a nice break for your ears LaNell.)

On a happier note, I get to go to Utah at the end of February to see the Cougars play. If they don't win, at least I will be able to take matters into my own hands with some good old fashioned brutality (thats right, I am going to bring a bat & some brass knuckles with me.)

This One Is Going Out to Kaylee

I realized that I just posted yesterday but some things are just too good to pass up!

I decided to spend some time with Kaylee since she is one of the few people that I can hang out with that has a vagina. At first I was rather upset about talking to her because she told me that she doesn't read my blog because I write too much. My response is this: maybe I will start doing what you do on your blog and take naked pictures of myself while I'm cooking at a kitchenette.

Luckily the night grew to be a little more amusing as we started talking about sports. Unlike her brothers Kaylee would mistake Shaquille O'Neil for Big Bird. So we were talking about making out with black men, Kaylee seemed to have a dissatisfaction for the Negros so I felt personally responsible for educating her. I asked her if she thought Lebron James was hot and her reply was, who is that? It just kept going down hill as she guessed who that was. Answers ranged from a baseball player to a well known pimp. Needless to say I was thoroughly amused. Once I told her who LeBron James was she insisted on telling me that she had sports knowledge as she asked me where the Cavaliers played at. This is what she said, " I know that Michael Jackson used to play for the Bulls." Way to go Kaylee, I almost went into cardiac arrest.

I did later find out that Kaylee has extensive knowledge about turtles poop eating habits.

I love you Kaylee.

Who Loves Bacon?

Unfortunately I never got to finish my Christmas blog but there is only one thing that I forgot to write about that I thought was worth mentioning and no it isn't the fact that I found out I'm a mediocre nertz player and that Sam Hancock can slaughter me (Sam I hate you almost enough to put you on my hate list for that.) Unfortunately I'm too stupid to figure out how to access pictures on the Hancock's computer from my camera onto the blog. Anyway, the next time you are in my vehicle you will notice that there is a bacon scented car deodorizer hanging from my rear view mirror. The question isn't who gave you this Mikila, the question is what the crap is it supposed to mean???? The reasons why I would receive such a wonderful gift could include:

1. The giver of the gift thinks that I consume bacon morning, noon and night; its nice to be reminded when I am driving that I can't live without bacon.

2. When people are driving by me they will understand why I look like a pork product myself.

3. So people will be aware of how swine flu got started.

Needless to say it was the funniest gift I got this year seeing that I'm really not that big of a bacon fan the person who gave it to me is. Maybe they just wanted to see it every time they get into my car.

I just want to make a point of saying that I am taking way too much abuse about Jimmer getting mono. If he can't take things like a big boy and go on a kissing rampage then why don't I send him some kleenex and pampers.

I've decided to close by sharing a work story. I usually don't give massages to crazy people but the other day happened to be special. A woman had come in for a massage, I have to say that when I saw here I was wondering if she was even going to pay for it? I know, what a judgemental jerk I am but I DON'T CARE. She was in a moomoo that was full of holes. She acted like she had barely survived the Vietnam War with the aid of strong narcotics. I did try to give her the benefit of the doubt but it just went down hill from there. She had never had a massage before and so I carefully explained to her the process. I left the room, gave her several minutes to get undressed and get under the sheets on the table. When I knocked on the door she didn't answer but instead opened the door completely naked. That particular room happens to open into the main hall. Luckily no one was there except me. She asks me if I have a step ladder because she couldn't get up on the table. Good thing that I don't get embarrassed that easily because I ended up having to help her onto the table. She wanted to talk but then would stop in mid sentence like she was blacking out. She is probably in her mid 50's but she was very interested where I party at, she wanted to check the "hot spots" out herself. When it was time for her to get dressed I left the room but had to come back in 3 times because she kept falling asleep and didn't even know where she was the 3rd time I woke her up. LOONEY TUNES!!!! Later on I found out from one of the esthiticians that the last time she had come she asked for a Brazilian wax so that she could meet up in a hotel with her ex boyfriend that just recently got out of jail. Isn't that special!

Crim-a-nitly

I guess its late but I will say it anyway, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. What is it about Christmas that I love so much. Is it demanding that I need to take all of my stuff home when I am living out of state so that LaNell is forced to keep her stuff home (that is her version, not mine!) Finding some mistletoe & some innocent bi standard to smother to death (I can't remember his name unfortunately.) Or the fact that people come home to visit and I actually have friends for a change (don't take that personally Michael, you can't be entertaining all of the time!) Anyway I had a lovely Christmas.
Several weeks ago I was able to attend what I would think the most entertaining wedding reception would be like. Becca and Kyle are so cute aren't they?! Kyle mentioned to me that he would love to be mentioned in my blog and so as a part of their wedding present I have decided to post them up here. I enjoyed the carnival themed reception. It had everything from funnel cakes to games galore. The only thing that I was upset about was the missing clown? What the crap is up with that??? I know that they scare you Becca but the way to defeat a clown is to take away their plastic nose and tell them that they aren't being navigated by the spirit anymore. I enjoyed myself, thanks for making it entertaining.

This last item of business is rather an awkward situation but has to be done. I am officially breaking up with Jimmer Fredette. I have moved on to bigger, better and blacker things like Brandon Davies. I appreciate you scoring a record high 49 points against Arizona for me but its just not enough! I'm sorry to do this publicly on my blog Jimmer but I just couldn't handle the begging, pleading and tears that would surely happen if I told you one on one. I think we had a good run of it and so I'm kindly asking you to not give Brandon a bad time, please pass the ball to him!!! On a good note, I finally have a fine negro to look at that is on the team.

Balderdash, Who Knew!

I didn't realize that I was going to wake up at 3 am laughing my head off. When I finally realized that sleep wasn't going to happen for me at 8 am I rolled out of bed with a splitting headache, abs and jaw were also hurting from laughing so much last evening.

I've never been so happy to hang out with such a lively group before. Kaylee, Sam, Michael, Bushy, Joel and I decided to play Balderdash last night. I had no idea that it was going to turn into one of the funniest nights of my life. Everyone had a role to play and they did a first rate job. I found out a lot about my comrades and also about myself. Here is a run down of what happened.

I'm starting with Bushy because without her this game wouldn't have been so funny!

abbreviation: R.G.P.

Bushy's answer: Robert Gay Powell (the inventor of Balderdash)

word: piblockto

her answer: the crew you can hire to either teach you how pick locks or who will do it for you.

Don't worry Bush, your genius corn on the cob scam got you 4 points! I admire how you took all of the ridicule & mockery with elegance & grace.

Sammy Linebaugh: When I saw you in your BYU shirt & jacket I thought it would a good omen for you and the Cougars to win. So, why didn't you win? Is BYU going to lose?

By the way, St. John the Dip? Chocolate Factory huh :) ????

Kaylee: 1st off, I don't know why you didn't want to play this game, you were great. I do have to protest in my defense by saying that I'm not the loudest person in the room all the time so here is a list of people or things that are louder than I am:

1. Santa Claus

2. April Miller

3. Stampede of Elephants

4. 56 Trombones

5. A turkey when its head is being put through a grinder (Happy Thanksgiving)

6. Lisa Lampinelli (I would caution against looking her up on YouTube!)

Joel: I want to apologize for thinking that you were stupid enough to write down a terrorist attack for the description of a movie titled The Suitors :)

Michael: He actually has a new name , Mr. Tuttles of Tahiti

In case anyone was wondering tuttles of Tahiti refers to a person who lounges around frequently. Michael of course served as an instigator, prosecutor and spelling bee coach. Is it wrong that I think pus should be spelled puss. Is it wrong to think that on June 7, 1989 I celebrated my birth and that Michael's birthday is in 1964 (why didn't anyone vote for that answer?) One might wonder why I posted a picture of a walrus at the top of my blog, here is the story.

One of the words that I chose happened to be woopknacker. The definition of a woopknacker is an aggressive and loud person. I had to laugh out loud and exclaimed that everyone would probably start calling me this. Smiles and laughs were exchanged across the board but the person I noticed most was Michael. He had a smile across his face that was comparable to the smile the grinch had before he stole all the Christmas presents in Whoville. He scribbled so quickly like it was a race for his life. This is what his definition of what a woopknacker is:

Michael: One who is adept at mimicking the mating call of the walrus.

Bushy: A fan at a basketball game who appears on television more than 3 times.

Kaylee: A person who always insists on laughing the loudest.

Joel: The name used in the deep south for a pregnant slave.

Sam: A person who tells jokes to townspeople at others expense.

Its nice to know what people really think of me. By the way, my baby shower will be in a few weeks, I will be 8 months along.

Thanks you guys, lets do it again during Christmas break so that I can update my blog again.

So Rise and Shout

Its been such a great week except for the part when I came home from camping, blew my nose and saw nothing but black & sand snot. Its true that I don't care to be dirty but the sacrifice was well worth it to go to Fort Bragg this week. The Lord knew that I needed a good week before I begin to immerse myself in wedding plans. You really find out about people when you go camping for example, I'm not the loudest person after lights out, (its true, I'm not!) Some people like to either show up late or leave early to avoid the tediousness of setting up and tearing down. I like to think of these people as a bunch of casino Indians but why am I talking, I came late and left early. I also found out that Becky Hancock may or may not be a better nertz player than I am (I commend you for playing with all of those other older people, you are definitely better than any of them.) And of course I want to thank Costco for making the Dr. Pepper packs of 32, for the convenience of not going all the way into town to get my fill. I enjoyed soaking up the 60 degree temperature and arguing with Josh about getting made fun of by Michael (he thinks it never happened, that's ok, block out the bad memories.) I stayed with the Hughes, they were a lot of fun, especially when Don & I made fun of Darwin (called him cupcake amongst other things.) My body probably didn't enjoy gaining 10 pounds from eating junk for 3 days but everything tasted great.

The real crown of glory day was on Saturday. I want to thank Sam Hancock for researching a place for our small group to go to even though he ended up not coming. As the stars aligned in a most glorious fashion I watched BYU win a game that was predicted a 21 point favor for Oklahoma. What I have to say about that is, shove it, we won. It did help that Bradford got hurt but I have to admit that I was remarkably surprised when our defense looked like a defense. Some of you may have noticed that I removed Maxi Pad off of my hate list. I still think that he is an arrogant dipstick but I can't deny that his playing has improved. So thanks BYU for beating a 3rd ranked team, you made my day. It was nice to see old friends, dig glass out of my toes and play nertz until midnight.

Happy Birthday Michael

Here on this glorious day, I want to recognize the birthday of one, Michael Robertson. When I think of Michael I think of Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. I find it so hard to find fault with him when he has me in hysterics 95% of the time and for that I'm grateful. Angelee is always telling me not to encourage him but I have to admit that I love doing just that.

Most of the experiences I have had with Michael have already been blogged about and so with the help of my comrades I was able to find a few things out about my good friend.

1. Poor Twinkle

The Robertsons used to have a dog named Twinkle. It was a cute little dog even though it liked to chew on used tampons but as Twinkle got older, she started to lose her eye sight. Apparently Michael enjoyed putting boxes out in front of Twinkle's path so that when she ran through the
house she would run right into the boxes, falling over. Michael, I can't wait to see what Twinkle says to you in the hereafter :) !

2. How about a little peroxide?

Michael is very fashionable. He takes pride in being up to date on the latest trends but also likes separating himself from others in the clothing that he wears. Apparently when Michael had hair he wanted it to look perfect. I've been told that he would spend a substantial amount of time grooming his hair. This grooming included getting it blond by way of peroxide. He used to peroxide it over and over again so that he could have hair like Goldilocks. Well Michael, cheer up, now you don't have to worry about it anymore :)

3. I hate Michael Robertson

If someone would have told me 12 years ago that Michael and I were going to be friends I would have laughed in disbelief, here is why. One year when I was up at Ricks College I was going home for Christmas with Kevin and Josh. It was going to be a quick 9 hr drive home with no interruptions until Michael called Kevin and said that he was going to have to come get him in Provo because the cars were full there and Michael had neglected to secure himself a ride. I wasn't too thrilled to have to make a 4 hour detour but nevertheless I didn't really have a choice. I didn't hardly know Michael and so I didn't think he would really talk to me, I didn't have any idea what was in store!!! The whole ride home Michael made fun of Josh and I. Yes that is 10 uninterrupted hours of him teasing Josh and I. By the time I got out of the car I was ready to burst into tears. I ran inside the house, found my mother and yelled out to her as I started to sob, "I hate Michael Robertson and I hope that I never have to speak to him again!" Good thing I learned how to hold my own :) !

4. "If you could only understand my heat stroke!"

Back in the day before Pilar was married and Michael was working for Chris Craig they used to play nertz together. Apparently one day Michael had been working on a roof and nearly had a heat stroke. I'm going to wager that he had only drunk Dr. Pepper that day which dehydrates a person but there is no use in telling Michael that he needs to drink more water, he only argues with me about it. So he shows up to Angelee's, practically on all fours begging for ice cold water. He tells Angelee that he couldn't possibly play nertz because he can barely lift his head up. Finally he stated that he could play if he could lay down and just throw the cards out into the middle (POOR ANGELEE, HAD TO PICK THE CARDS UP AND PUT THEM ON THE RIGHT PILE.) At one point Angelee caught him with his eyes closed and he said, " give me a minute, I'm seeing spots." Angelee thought that he was so pathetic that she took a picture, it is the one that is on the top right. Way to milk it for all that its worth Michael!

Really Michael is wonderful. I'm grateful for his friendship. Michael, I wish that I could blow up a red balloon and shape it like a heart for you but I've realized that I'm not that close to the spirit :)