Catfish and Negros

If any of you haven't been to Chinatown in San Francisco before I encourage you to go to a restaurant called The Clay Pot. This first picture is of a catfish in a clay pot. They also have quail, frog, sheep tongue and pig uterus. You think that between a genius and a connoisseur of fine foods that Michael and I could figure out that its a bad idea to order a fish from a Chinamen. Needless to say when we got our catfish there were some unusual glances exchanged. Trying to eat was the entertaining part, Michael almost had to perform the Heimlich maneuver since I was choking on the bones. I'm surprised that I didn't find an eye in the pot!!! Anyway I will probably be eating at Taco Bell and Jack in the Box for awhile before I venture out again.
This second picture comes with big news. This weekend I just met the father of my future brown babies. Hopefully those children aren't going to look like me except for my nose because holy Hannah, you could fit a cruise liner up those nostrils. For those that don't know, this is Demarcus Harrison. He is a freshman BYU basketball player. He is a dream boat but hasn't matured to full potential in his basketball playing. The nice thing about him is that he is just crazy about my curves and Cosmo hat, he thinks its sexy. Its like a match made in Heaven even though he has been cursed with the mark of Cain.

I'm really loving the fact that the West Coast Conference hits up a lot of cities that are close enough to drive to. BYU played San Francisco and Santa Clara this weekend. It was a lot of fun and the added bonuses included getting to see friends, eating good food minus the lovely catfish, a certified Chinese foot rub, getting lost a few times and of course getting made fun of.
I also loved that there were more BYU fans than Santa Clara fans at the game, go Cougars. You think that I would have been the best dressed at the game but there were some die hards there that included the Hancock kids. They had darling cheerleader outfits on. I asked Michael to sew me up a cheerleader outfit with pleats. The girls looked cute but I'm pretty sure that I would get thrown out of any public place wearing the same outfit. After the game a large group of fans stayed behind to shake hands, talk to the players and get autographs.

I had a wonderful time. Hopefully BYU wins against Gonzaga on Thursday!!!

Round 1 # 10 Now thats my boy!

Yes this is the face of a man who has found out I will be stocking him.

I know that maybe some of you are thinking that I am a fair weathered friend by proclaiming my love to Brandon Davies and leaving poor Jimmer by the wayside but I'm here to say that I will not be falling off into misty patches of jungle ever again. I don't know what I ever saw in Brandon Davies anyway. Sure he is gorgeous but really when you get right down to it the Negros are only good for robbing 2 things: girls' virginity and Piggly Wiggly stores.

Angelee was gracious enough to invite me over for rotten peaches and to watch the draft (someone needs to tenderly explain to her that fruit expires when you let it sit there for a while.) I do have to say that I think she is pretty clever though, she realized that I was going to provide a large amount of entertainment pending the outcome of one, Jimmer Fredette.

I hate to admit it but there may have been skipping, flailing around, red faces, hugs & kisses and of course loud frivolity when I saw that Jimmer was destined to be a King. And a King he is.

Its not just about winning the Naismith, Oscar Robertson, John Wooden, Adolph Rupp, MWC player of the year and National player of the year, its more than that!

Its true that the 2 times I have had the opportunity to speak with him I have crashed and burned both times as I yelled out that I loved him straight to his face and the second time I thought I could trade a massage for some game tickets (yes, I look back now and think, you are a moron!) He could have easily made fun of me or ignored me but he was always cordial & polite.

Another distinct story that I have about him has made a big impact in my life. I attended a basketball game when I was living in Provo. It was Utah vs. BYU. For those that don't know there is a lot of rivalry between these 2 schools and there can be a lot of hostility at times. The game was under way and a Utah player was shoved to the floor but a foul was not called. The player was having a difficult time getting up but his teammates were already running down to the other side of the court. Jimmer was about half way to the other side when he turned around and saw the man trying to get up. He turned around and ran back to help the opposing team member up. I think we can all take example of Jimmer by reaching out to others with a little compassion and good will towards man. I try to think of that story right before I'm tempted to eat a child or yell at some moron for taking the last pint of ice cream that I like :)

Jimmer going to the Kings couldn't make me any happier! It also means that I will have no money because I'm already thinking that I need to drive to Sacramento for every home game. Oh well, its money well spent.

Your the best Jimmer, keep up the good work!

A Little Pre-game Action

I guess I should post this since Michelle & LaNell and I put some effort into it but that smile you see on my face is no longer there!

Tragically tonight, BYU lost one of its key players for the rest of the season due to an honor code violation. I guess all that I have to say about that is; hope you enjoy doing whatever it is you are doing Brandon Davies and that it feels better than possibly being a 1 seed and being apart of a team that could go further in the NCAA tournament than any other BYU basketball team.

What Kind of Friend Am I?

Let me just ask, who just calls one of their friends on their birthday, failing to even mention happy birthday????

I'm sure LaNell is used to it by now but still I want to say that I'm so sorry!!!!!

In my defense I can barely remember when my parents birthdays are. Some years I have to call Shane to ask him when they are. Angelee can also verify that I call her every year to ask when Michael's birthday is. I don't know why but I'm just horrible about remembering birthdays. Now that I think about it, I know when LaNell's birthday is but I was so into talking about my agenda that I forgot to mention anything until I talked to Angelee yesterday. By the way I want to commend Angelee & Brittney because they remember everyone.

Here are some memories that I have with Master Brown. We have experienced some pretty humorous times together, for example, our trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Its only 2 hours away from Rexburg and so Carrie drove us up there. We had a lot of fun until the ride back. Lets just say that Katie had her eyes closed, LaNell was calling the temple to put our names on the prayer roll while I was laughing & holding on for dear life while Carrie almost killed us on the treacherous ride home :)
Look how young we all are!!! Graduating class of 98'

LaNell and I were in the back of a jeep when this picture was taken. LaNell doesn't like this picture but I always have.

A few other things that I love about LaNell:

1. Will always willingly take me to crafty stores.

2. Loves to steal mattresses after hours.

3. Always laughs at my jokes, even if they aren't funny.

4. Likes to hang out with Nadra or any dog for that matter.

5. Enjoys telling children that I like to eat kids

6. Loves to take me on hikes so that she watch me shift my fat body up hills.

Thanks for all the fun memories LaNell. I hope that you had a great birthday!!!

Let Me Tell You About My Lucky Simba Hat!

Look at my vanilla & chocolate boyfriends high fiving it. I'm so clever that I've managed to keep both of them from finding out about each other, good thing to, they work so well together. I'm in such a good mood from BYU win this evening against Air Force that I have decided to blog, ( I thought I had better hurry before something bad happens.

I'll be honest, when BYU lost to New Mexico I started to cry and I was in such a bad mood that I missed Saturday night stake conference. Unless you are a die hard you wouldn't understand but I'm just waiting for those stupid Lobos to show up at the Marriott Center, we'll see who is crying then!

Other good news was that the Packers won the Superbowl. I wasn't very impressed with the commercials this year but I was significantly amused by my mother. I talked her into watching the game with me, she was upset before the game even started when she stated: "why are they showing these fat people on the camera?" Her second quote was, "why do they have to run across the whole field, why can't they just run to the half mark?" I love my mother for the simple reason that she is hilariously ignorant of most sports matters.

Seriously I should get the dummy of the year award and here is why.

1. I was at a staff meeting several weeks ago. When I arrived almost everyone was already there and so I got stuck with a crappy chair that looked like it came out of the civil war era. Knowing that I don't weigh 90 pounds didn't stop me from sitting down in it anyway. In the middle of the meeting I realized that the chair was becoming wobbly and so I tried to move. Once I realize that I'm going to cause a Tsunami in Chico, California I tried to stop myself by putting my hand where the chair folds in. 2 seconds late my sorry self is on the floor and I was in so much pain from my fingering getting jammed I'm surprised that I didn't scream out a few 4 letter words. Everyone looked at me so I decided to laugh and then there was a roaring thunder of laughter from the whole group. Good times.

2. The second thing I did happened this evening when I was talking about Abouo. For those that don't know, Abuou is a basketball player from the Ivory Coast. I don't know if I'm just dyslexic or brain dead because of too many trips to the buffet but I said that Abouo was from the west coast ivory. I'm telling this story now because Michael said he was going to start his own blog and that would be his first story. I don't know why statements like that worry me when I know Michael is far too busy finishing up doing nothing from yesterday to move on by something today :)

Jimmer always puts me in a good mood!!! For Christmas I received what LaNell likes to call a Simba hat. LaNell how could you desecrate Cosmo's good name like that? Its true that my head gets overly hot and it makes me scratch my head but I love it ( I forgot to mention that I look like a complete moron in it.) Furthermore when I wear it I will have everyone know that BYU has never lost. So go ahead and make fun of me LaNell but when I wear that hat I feel that the universe & BYU moves to my command.

As to this recent facebook thread from some stupid girl going to BYU that is sick of hearing about Jimmer a word of warning to whoever she is; if I ever meet up with that used up tampax tampon I'm going give her a good old fashioned swirly and then I'm going to hold her down and tattoo Jimmer # 32 on her forehead so she won't ever forget who the master is!!!

Today Should Be a National Holiday, Jimmer's Day!

I know a lot of you are thinking that I'm ridiculous for wanting to make Jimmer's day a national holiday but I figure that if we can give the Jews Hanukkah and the Negros Martin Luther King Day that I should be able to have a holiday that I can sit back and meditate on the meaning of life & basketball.

I love basketball!!! And I love Jimmer!!! I knew it was going to be a great day today when I woke up at 5:30 am, too excited to fall back asleep. I didn't even drink any Dr. Pepper today, I have been running on pure adrenalin. Jimmer is like my personal supply of cocaine, just can't get enough of him (hopefully the side effects aren't as severe.)

Michael and I decided to have a Jimmer party (really that just means I told Michael I was coming over to watch the game BYU vs Vermont.) I think the only reason he didn't lock the door was to see what kind of fool I was going to make out of myself.

In preparation for the highly anticipated game I constructed a poster with a cardboard handle to raise up over my head every time Jimmer scored. I also felt like I needed to combine the 2 things that I love most: sweets & building shrines to Jimmer. I know that Martha Stewart isn't going to be calling me up to ask for cake decorating tips but in my defense this cake was the first one that I have tried to decorate with special icing tools. In case you didn't know I was trying to paint out the Marriott Center. I enjoyed doing it and better yet the cake was good to eat.

The only way the game could have gotten any better is if Jimmer would have announced that the game was dedicated to me (don't worry he told me already last night on the phone, )and if TJ Fredette would have written a song about me to sing at half time. Last but not least here is my father giving his views on the game today. Don't mind his attire.

What a wonderful day. BYU won, I ate cake and I got to look at my vanilla & chocolate boyfriends all in one shot. Sweet 16 here we come!!

Catching Up With Life

Its difficult being the Devil's Chubby Mistress. Apparently my duties make me too busy to write a blog entry. The wonderful thing about this blog entry is that I'm writing it from my home. I've felt like a pioneer having to either bum the Hancock's to use their computer or to go to the STD infested library to use their computer. These days are no longer!!! ( I feel similar to Vivian Leigh in Gone With the Wind when she said that she will never go hungry again, that does include the clenched fist.)

By the way Raeanne, I never want to be in another picture with you, it makes me want to rip your face off so that I can use it for chewing tobacco :)

Now that I can put incriminating photos on here, I will (that's if I can manage to use my bloody camera correctly.)

Recently one of the fun activities I was able to attend was Sarah & Paul Fairbanks Halloween Party. As you look at the pictures you can see that people felt like they were in Vegas (don't ask, don't tell ... maybe that's the Army I'm thinking of.)

I have to say that I enjoyed myself immensely.

Rob. I almost forgot that you were married and went to ask you out on a date. Good thing I caught myself. By the way, those are Cari Havens curlers that Rob stole out of her hair.

I couldn't think of an appropriate comment to write down. Lesbians kept popping up but these 2 women have a total of 9 children between the 2 of them.

Angelee and I didn't win the toilet paper body wrapping contest but I do think that I burned about 200 calories running around her like a crazed lunatic.

I thought I would save the best for last.

Here is our devoted seminary teacher and a councilor in the Elders Quorum Presidency. Yes, they are dressed up as pimps. Apparently they are both mine, they tried to send me to appointments all night. I'm only upset that I didn't get Rob's Captain Morgan pants in this picture. I asked him if I could borrow them only to realize that they would have fitted me in about the 7th grade.

Good times at the party and I have to say that I enjoyed dressing up.

I also have another reason to be happy. Basketball has started!!!!!! I do love basketball!!! And no its not just because there are beautiful black boys that happen to play. It also doesn't hurt that Mike Hall is now apart of the BYU coaching staff, maybe I should purchase a trough to drool in so I don't get the furniture damaged.

My only request is that the Heat start winning some games so that the filthy Lakers don't win another championship. That is my Christmas wish.

Really .... No Really

Really there has been nothing to write about since all I have experienced is loss and devastation.

I know that I did a blog post about counting down the days when the football season was going to start, now I feel like I need to start counting down the days for when the basketball season is going to start since I'm already sick of football!

Yes, I'm sick of football!

Good thing that BYU beat the Huskies after having a near death experience with heat stroke and blistering up my feet to the point of bloodiness, luckily I got my hands on some tickets to the game. I'm not complaining about the sacrifices I made to go to the game but I will say that I'm glad that I didn't try to make a trip out to Utah for these last two games.

Its sad that by the end of last Saturday I was comparing BYU to Wyoming. I guess we aren't so bad that the quarterback is running all over the field in attempt to catch his own ball, poor Wyoming, at least we will have one win this season.

I know you are thinking that I'm a traitor but I will continue to watch the games faithfully. The only difference now is that my eyes get puffy and red and I indulge in a pint of haagen daas ice cream to drown out my sorrows after each game.

The only things that have brought me true comfort is the small poster I stole from the LaVell Edwards stadium women's bathroom of Brandon Davies. I would have taken the Jimmer poster as well but the bathroom traffic became too congested. Another thing that made me happy was the loss of Notre Dame. At least I know that Slobber Holtz was crying just as hard on his pillow as I was Saturday night:).

Another year older and ..... well lets not push it!

Happy birthday Michael! Its getting to be about the time to start buying stock in Polygrip and Depends. To commemorate your birthday my lovely assistant Angelee helped me put together a few videos of some very special people that want to wish you a happy birthday. The first video should have been last but I'm just thrilled that Angelee figured out how to put all of these on here. Enjoy!

Here is a shout out from your adorable Aunt Diane.

Pamela Anderson

made a special appearance just for you! Yes I know she has gotten a little ponchy and looks like a heffalump from Winnie the Pooh but be considerate, she has been through a lot.

In Bangkok a traditional thai massage will get you through any kind of problem including the ability to do nothing all day.

Good ol' Bronco Mendenhall. Always showing emotion when necessary.

There was supposed to be a two more videos on here that included a clip from Chelsey Handler but I couldn't think of anything that would be appropriate for viewers. The second video was supposed to be a remake of a certain camping trip you spent with two lovely ladies, one tent and a shared sleeping bag but of course Pilar vetoed my brillant plans for that so I apologize. Hope you have a great birthday Mr. Tuttles!

Thanks for your help Angelee!

Hi, My Name is Pam Anderson

So I guess I've never looked like this before but I do think that I got pretty close when I dressed up like Baywatch's Pam Anderson for Angelee's birthday. Since I couldn't find leg warmers that went over my chunky calves I decided to dress up like a Baywatch babe. Unfortunately I didn't get to run in slow motion but I think I was pretty flashy with my yellow yarn wig which my mother helped me construct (bless her soul for going along with my crazy ideas.)

I'm so mad at myself for forgetting the camera. Why do I do that every time there is an opportunity to take pictures?

Well what do I say about Angelee's 30th birthday. The highlights of the evening included:

Angelee and I looking at old high school pictures (holy crap, I forgot about the lovely different hair colors that I used to have.)

Angelee throwing her bags on the ground demanding to know where

she is going to be taken.

Twister, that should not be played by a bunch of 30 year olds (sorry I suffocated

you Liz.)

Skating, yes I did make it around twice. (By the way, Nick you and I should go skating some time, it looks like we are in the same skating bracket ;)

When Liz asked me if I was checking out guys my loud response included, "yeah, that black guy that works here." Don't worry he passed by me right as I was saying it.

All and all it was an entertaining evening. I guess I exerted myself so much that I got strep throat and have been sick since that.

In closing, I thought that I would share a little story about my friend Pilar.

Well actually all of the stories that I can think of she has forbidden me to utter so I will just say thanks for being a delightful, entertaining and lovely person.

30 Days And Counting

I know that everyone that claims to be my friend is practically busting out of their britches in anticipation of the big day. That's right kiddies, in 30 days BYU will open their football season playing against the Washington Huskies. In the spirit of some healthy rivalry (healthy being the key word) I found a few jokes about the Huskies that I would like to share:

What is the difference between a Husky cheerleader and an elephant
A: About 40 lbs
(Sounds like I could get myself a cheerleadin' scholarship)

Whats the difference between the Huskies and the Taliban?
A: The Taliban have a running game

Despite the tearful departure of my man Harvey I think that we are going to be wonderful! We got Heaps, Apo, Stout plus a string of returned missionaries that are dying to apply the commitment pattern by sheer brute force (corny, I don't know why I said that!) My eyes will also be on Ashworth, Holt and Manumaleuna.

So strap on your helmets and get ready to be tackled Washington.

Who Can Blame Me?

Here goes another shot at blogging. Hopefully this go around will be less offensive to everyone. In keeping with less offensive subjects I thought I would start off with a story that LaNell has been wanting to tell for a while. I hope that you realize LaNell how full of charity I am.

When I returned home from my mission Harry Potter was in full force. The sixth book was about to come out but I wanted nothing to do with it. Being of a purer mind back then I thought that the Potter books were encouraging false priest crafts :) It was LaNell who finally convinced me that they were great books and that I would enjoy them. When I finally picked them up I couldn't stop. I even stood in line at Barnes & Noble for the midnight unveiling of the sixth and seventh book like a dummy but at least I wasn't wearing any kind of ridiculous costume.

I guess I don't regret doing the whole Harry Potter thing but I should have run the other way when LaNell came trotting up to me with these ridiculous Twilight books. I had heard about them but thought that they were juvenile and a waste of my time. For some reason I got roped into reading them when I lived with LaNell. Secretly I think that she hypnotized me into it when I was sleeping!! Finally my will power weakened and I started to read. I stayed up for hours into the late night reading about this stupid love triangle. To top it off I didn't want LaNell or anyone else to know that I went through the set of books again and then again. I would hide in the BYU library basement so that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. Really .... if I'm this stupid I should just drive my car into the bottom of an ocean and get it over with. The part of this terrible story is that the first Twilight film came out into the theatres. One might think that I watched it once, twice or maybe three times. Of course not! 5 is the magic number. I bow my head in embarrassment!!! The show wasn't even good but I was fixated.
How could you do this to me LaNell?????
But on the other hand who can blame me for falling in love with Edward, Jacob and all the wolves, they are steamy!!!!
Nobody better hold this against me or I will pound them!

Was It Really A Vacation?

I had such an eye opening experience visiting friends in Utah last week!

I've been out to Utah so many times I can't even count but this trip was probably the most eventful. Not because I got to do so many things but because so many crazy things happened.

1. I forgot my camera because I am an idiot.

2. When I was told that I couldn't go over Donner on Tuesday I decided to visit Michael while he was serving as a butler/chauffeur/ maker of eloquent meals for a week. This activity stirred up emotions of pity for Michael and strengthened my testimony about NOT EVER having children!

3. Having to watch the BYU vs. San Diego State game on Christy's television even though I had tickets to the game and also had to contend with a 5 year old jumping on my lap, asking me if I would be his girl friend. (That rounds out to about 70% of the game I actually got to watch.)

4. Getting slapped on the butt by the same 5 year old followed by the comment, "your fluffy." Thanks Camden, your a real entertainer.

5. Deciding to go to Utah on Thursday. It was a 14.5 hour drive in a Pontiac. Never buy a Pontiac unless you happen to be a pretty, skinny girl. If you do not fall into that bracket your hips are going to hurt and its pretty much going to look like an elephant getting caught up in a match box or at least that is how I felt.

6. Trying to find tickets to the New Mexico game. What kind of friends do I have anyway when I find out what they would rather do instead of watching the biggest game of the season? Here are a few reasons that they gave me:

"I think I would just like to play my soccer game."

"I'm going down to St. George for a 100 mile bike ride."

"I would rather play with Barbies."

How lovely is that. Erica was the only person that would come to the game with me and so I rewarded her by not getting a ticket for her. I felt really bad and wanted to go with her but when I showed up to get tickets from the scalpers there weren't any there but there was about 50 people trying to buy tickets. It was insane! I finally found somebody that had one extra ticket and so I took it. Its probably a good thing that Erica didn't come with me since BYU lost by 2 points. The below pictures are how I felt about the situation:

I think you get the picture!

Setting all problems aside I did have some enjoyable moments. I was taught how to play Dominion, I love it.

Another humorous event that happened was when I was in Utah at Michelle's home. Michelle was nice enough to let me stay at her home while I was visiting and so when I called her to tell her when I would be coming in she giggled and said that she had the room all ready for me. When I showed up at 2 am I turned on the bedroom light to see that the room was decorated in Twilight materials. Everything from books, pillow cases and posters. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed that Taylor Lautner wasn't there in person to make out with me but I did get a good laugh about the decorations. Thanks so much Michelle, you are funny.
It was nice to see all of you even if it caused gray hairs to form on my head.

In the Words of LaNell "MERCY"

Have you ever had the urge to fill up your bath tub and submerge your head into it until all signs of life are non existent? If you are answering no to this question than you should be proud that your life is at a better stage than mine.

I took 5 days off of work so that I could go out to Utah to watch some BYU basketball games and spend time with my friends. I guess I just picked the wrong week to go since chains are required to go over Donner Pass and Hertz doesn't allow chain use on their vehicles. LOVELY. Lets be honest, even if they did I wouldn't be able to put them on even on one of my good days. I would probably have more luck talking Brandon Davies into making out with me for 20 minutes.

Its not very often that I cry but poor Erica had the honor of dealing with that. I just want to say thanks Erica because most of my friends are not sensitive to those kinds of emotions :)

I guess its alright that I miss 2 of the most important games of the season but I'm probably better off because I would have broken the sabbath traveling home to be back at work on Monday. Maybe I will take my own car on Sunday and go buy a bunch of furniture at IKEA just for the heck of it.

On a more depressing note I am trying not to drink Dr. Pepper. I'm trying to switch over to diet and let me tell you I'm on the verge of just drinking hydrogen peroxide instead. It would taste just as good and probably kill any germs lingering in my mouth. I HATE diet drinks but I will try to press forward for as long as I can. In addition to my diet drinks Michael and I are walking in the cemetery regularly. The first time I tried walking I thought that Michael was going to have to dig a grave side for me, maybe carve my name in the dirt so others could find me. I resent the fact that several people have asked if we stop at the 7V on the way home to get our soda. The answer is no. Maybe in a month I will be able to start climbing mountains with LaNell.

When the Saints go marching in ......

I love nothing more than the sound of victory. Unfortunately the Cougars couldn't pull out the win against UNLV but the next day my sorrows were drowned out by the victory of my boyfriend Reggie Bush. Sorry Austin Collie, I know I should be pulling for you but you have 2 things going against you:

1. Your not black (aren't you proud of me Erica, now you don't have to stop after 1 sentence.)

2. You play on the same team as a filthy Manning

I was a little worried until the Saints pulled out an interception and then I knew everything was going to be alright.

Funny that the funniest commercials were the beer commercials. I also enjoyed watching Betty White get pummeled! Tim Tebow, you and your mommy can go to a Bible study instead of taking up precious TV time.

It was fun to watch the Superbowl at Angelee's home. I will try to forget the fact that she said that she would have drinks there and so I wouldn't have to worry. When I got there, I found 5 different 2 liters of soda but no Dr. Pepper (aren't you happy that you didn't come Michael?) In the future, if somebody invites me to a small & large fiesta I am going to need a Dr. Pepper! Sad that I had to settle for tap water. It was also enjoyable to see Anglee do some cheers from our old high school days (actions and all!) To highlight the night, Nick made some wonderful soup in which Angelee kept repeating "its a

soup-er-bowl. I'm glad that at least you think that you are funny Pilar :).

Thanks for the enjoyable evening Angelee, I enjoyed myself immensely!

There is also 2 other wonderful events that took place this week.

1. Erica came into town for a visit.

2. Becky & I slaughtered Erica & Kaylee in a game of nertz. Sorry you can't

pull out a win Kaylee but I'm sure that you haven't read this far down the page to even notice that I'm saying this about you :)

Don't talk to me for 3 days!

The only thing to console me in this time of suffering & pain is Maxine. Since I am in such a bitter mood I have added several things to my hate list and yes I don't care if anyone gets mad at me for putting Maxi Pad back up there, I can't stand him!!!!

What in the crap is wrong with BYU??? Maybe its because there aren't enough niggers on the team to get the job done or maybe its because LaNell decided not to go to the temple yesterday (according to her, the Cougars win because she goes to the temple on game day.) Whatever the reason is, I thought I was going to cry when the Cougars broke their 15 game winning streak. It wouldn't be so bad if the polls weren't going to drop them 12 notches for losing one game like they will undoubtedly do, so now they have to work their way back up.

When I lived with LaNell, she used to ask me to not come home until after she went to bed if BYU had lost a game because I was too cranky. I find that hilarious because if I was still cranky the next day about a game sometimes that "next day" would turn into several days before I talked to her (it must have been a nice break for your ears LaNell.)

On a happier note, I get to go to Utah at the end of February to see the Cougars play. If they don't win, at least I will be able to take matters into my own hands with some good old fashioned brutality (thats right, I am going to bring a bat & some brass knuckles with me.)

This One Is Going Out to Kaylee

I realized that I just posted yesterday but some things are just too good to pass up!

I decided to spend some time with Kaylee since she is one of the few people that I can hang out with that has a vagina. At first I was rather upset about talking to her because she told me that she doesn't read my blog because I write too much. My response is this: maybe I will start doing what you do on your blog and take naked pictures of myself while I'm cooking at a kitchenette.

Luckily the night grew to be a little more amusing as we started talking about sports. Unlike her brothers Kaylee would mistake Shaquille O'Neil for Big Bird. So we were talking about making out with black men, Kaylee seemed to have a dissatisfaction for the Negros so I felt personally responsible for educating her. I asked her if she thought Lebron James was hot and her reply was, who is that? It just kept going down hill as she guessed who that was. Answers ranged from a baseball player to a well known pimp. Needless to say I was thoroughly amused. Once I told her who LeBron James was she insisted on telling me that she had sports knowledge as she asked me where the Cavaliers played at. This is what she said, " I know that Michael Jackson used to play for the Bulls." Way to go Kaylee, I almost went into cardiac arrest.

I did later find out that Kaylee has extensive knowledge about turtles poop eating habits.

I love you Kaylee.

Who Loves Bacon?

Unfortunately I never got to finish my Christmas blog but there is only one thing that I forgot to write about that I thought was worth mentioning and no it isn't the fact that I found out I'm a mediocre nertz player and that Sam Hancock can slaughter me (Sam I hate you almost enough to put you on my hate list for that.) Unfortunately I'm too stupid to figure out how to access pictures on the Hancock's computer from my camera onto the blog. Anyway, the next time you are in my vehicle you will notice that there is a bacon scented car deodorizer hanging from my rear view mirror. The question isn't who gave you this Mikila, the question is what the crap is it supposed to mean???? The reasons why I would receive such a wonderful gift could include:

1. The giver of the gift thinks that I consume bacon morning, noon and night; its nice to be reminded when I am driving that I can't live without bacon.

2. When people are driving by me they will understand why I look like a pork product myself.

3. So people will be aware of how swine flu got started.

Needless to say it was the funniest gift I got this year seeing that I'm really not that big of a bacon fan the person who gave it to me is. Maybe they just wanted to see it every time they get into my car.

I just want to make a point of saying that I am taking way too much abuse about Jimmer getting mono. If he can't take things like a big boy and go on a kissing rampage then why don't I send him some kleenex and pampers.

I've decided to close by sharing a work story. I usually don't give massages to crazy people but the other day happened to be special. A woman had come in for a massage, I have to say that when I saw here I was wondering if she was even going to pay for it? I know, what a judgemental jerk I am but I DON'T CARE. She was in a moomoo that was full of holes. She acted like she had barely survived the Vietnam War with the aid of strong narcotics. I did try to give her the benefit of the doubt but it just went down hill from there. She had never had a massage before and so I carefully explained to her the process. I left the room, gave her several minutes to get undressed and get under the sheets on the table. When I knocked on the door she didn't answer but instead opened the door completely naked. That particular room happens to open into the main hall. Luckily no one was there except me. She asks me if I have a step ladder because she couldn't get up on the table. Good thing that I don't get embarrassed that easily because I ended up having to help her onto the table. She wanted to talk but then would stop in mid sentence like she was blacking out. She is probably in her mid 50's but she was very interested where I party at, she wanted to check the "hot spots" out herself. When it was time for her to get dressed I left the room but had to come back in 3 times because she kept falling asleep and didn't even know where she was the 3rd time I woke her up. LOONEY TUNES!!!! Later on I found out from one of the esthiticians that the last time she had come she asked for a Brazilian wax so that she could meet up in a hotel with her ex boyfriend that just recently got out of jail. Isn't that special!

Crim-a-nitly

I guess its late but I will say it anyway, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. What is it about Christmas that I love so much. Is it demanding that I need to take all of my stuff home when I am living out of state so that LaNell is forced to keep her stuff home (that is her version, not mine!) Finding some mistletoe & some innocent bi standard to smother to death (I can't remember his name unfortunately.) Or the fact that people come home to visit and I actually have friends for a change (don't take that personally Michael, you can't be entertaining all of the time!) Anyway I had a lovely Christmas.
Several weeks ago I was able to attend what I would think the most entertaining wedding reception would be like. Becca and Kyle are so cute aren't they?! Kyle mentioned to me that he would love to be mentioned in my blog and so as a part of their wedding present I have decided to post them up here. I enjoyed the carnival themed reception. It had everything from funnel cakes to games galore. The only thing that I was upset about was the missing clown? What the crap is up with that??? I know that they scare you Becca but the way to defeat a clown is to take away their plastic nose and tell them that they aren't being navigated by the spirit anymore. I enjoyed myself, thanks for making it entertaining.

This last item of business is rather an awkward situation but has to be done. I am officially breaking up with Jimmer Fredette. I have moved on to bigger, better and blacker things like Brandon Davies. I appreciate you scoring a record high 49 points against Arizona for me but its just not enough! I'm sorry to do this publicly on my blog Jimmer but I just couldn't handle the begging, pleading and tears that would surely happen if I told you one on one. I think we had a good run of it and so I'm kindly asking you to not give Brandon a bad time, please pass the ball to him!!! On a good note, I finally have a fine negro to look at that is on the team.

Balderdash, Who Knew!

I didn't realize that I was going to wake up at 3 am laughing my head off. When I finally realized that sleep wasn't going to happen for me at 8 am I rolled out of bed with a splitting headache, abs and jaw were also hurting from laughing so much last evening.

I've never been so happy to hang out with such a lively group before. Kaylee, Sam, Michael, Bushy, Joel and I decided to play Balderdash last night. I had no idea that it was going to turn into one of the funniest nights of my life. Everyone had a role to play and they did a first rate job. I found out a lot about my comrades and also about myself. Here is a run down of what happened.

I'm starting with Bushy because without her this game wouldn't have been so funny!

abbreviation: R.G.P.

Bushy's answer: Robert Gay Powell (the inventor of Balderdash)

word: piblockto

her answer: the crew you can hire to either teach you how pick locks or who will do it for you.

Don't worry Bush, your genius corn on the cob scam got you 4 points! I admire how you took all of the ridicule & mockery with elegance & grace.

Sammy Linebaugh: When I saw you in your BYU shirt & jacket I thought it would a good omen for you and the Cougars to win. So, why didn't you win? Is BYU going to lose?

By the way, St. John the Dip? Chocolate Factory huh :) ????

Kaylee: 1st off, I don't know why you didn't want to play this game, you were great. I do have to protest in my defense by saying that I'm not the loudest person in the room all the time so here is a list of people or things that are louder than I am:

1. Santa Claus

2. April Miller

3. Stampede of Elephants

4. 56 Trombones

5. A turkey when its head is being put through a grinder (Happy Thanksgiving)

6. Lisa Lampinelli (I would caution against looking her up on YouTube!)

Joel: I want to apologize for thinking that you were stupid enough to write down a terrorist attack for the description of a movie titled The Suitors :)

Michael: He actually has a new name , Mr. Tuttles of Tahiti

In case anyone was wondering tuttles of Tahiti refers to a person who lounges around frequently. Michael of course served as an instigator, prosecutor and spelling bee coach. Is it wrong that I think pus should be spelled puss. Is it wrong to think that on June 7, 1989 I celebrated my birth and that Michael's birthday is in 1964 (why didn't anyone vote for that answer?) One might wonder why I posted a picture of a walrus at the top of my blog, here is the story.

One of the words that I chose happened to be woopknacker. The definition of a woopknacker is an aggressive and loud person. I had to laugh out loud and exclaimed that everyone would probably start calling me this. Smiles and laughs were exchanged across the board but the person I noticed most was Michael. He had a smile across his face that was comparable to the smile the grinch had before he stole all the Christmas presents in Whoville. He scribbled so quickly like it was a race for his life. This is what his definition of what a woopknacker is:

Michael: One who is adept at mimicking the mating call of the walrus.

Bushy: A fan at a basketball game who appears on television more than 3 times.

Kaylee: A person who always insists on laughing the loudest.

Joel: The name used in the deep south for a pregnant slave.

Sam: A person who tells jokes to townspeople at others expense.

Its nice to know what people really think of me. By the way, my baby shower will be in a few weeks, I will be 8 months along.

Thanks you guys, lets do it again during Christmas break so that I can update my blog again.